What's that behind your lip?

So this past friday night most of my section got together for a little drinking and trivial pursuit. Good times was had by all, but some very disturbing news was brought to my attention. I have known of the friday night poker game for a little while now. I walked in on it the one time they moved it to saturday and had it in conjunction with the Oakcrest party. As a side note, for all the straight guys, girls would rather you be up and social and talking with them than sitting at a table playing a card game. And also Im a little upset that I haven't been invited to this game. I would have said it was just a straight guy thing, but Edward has been. So no excuse boys. I own my own chips if necessary, albeit not super nice ones or anything.
But all that is besides the point. The bad news was unrelated to poker, but had to do with something the guys playing were doing. Now stop drooling fellow gay men, no it did not break down into a circle jerk or orgy, as much as we would like to pretend. (Straight men have the whole pillow fight theory of women...gay men have a much naughtier one of straight men) It seems that many of them instead had wads of tabacco wedged in between their lower lip and gums. A habit so effectionately known in trailer parks as dipping. This I must say was most disturbing news. Since I have walked in on this game before I know the guys who play it, and several of them are on my ranking of hot guys at the law school (which shall soon be published). So when I learned that they were voluntarily putting creases in their lower lips I was distraught. Pretty men carrying on such habits?! Its just egregious!
Now as the bearer of the bad news pointed out, I went to Texas A&M so I have been around some dipping in my life. I had a fraternity brother who used to do it all the time. Let me tell ya how the ladies came flocking to that one. But at Texas A&M those who dipped were from towns without stop lights and had majors in the college of agriculture. It was to be expected from such a group-one i must admit I had very little contact with being a liberal arts major from Houston. But law students? And even ones who could pass as metrosexuals? Its just so mindnumbing to me. I wonder if they've ever looked at themselves in the mirror while they dipped. Maybe then they would see what I see. That no one in their right mind wants to kiss them. I mean, how many ladies have dipping on their list of attributes they want in a guy? I know this gay man certainly doesn't. And I think the guys should ask themselves...would i be attracted to a girl who did this? If the answer is no, then how can you expect a girl to be attracted to you?
So while I appreciate that the guys are using tabacco in a way that keeps my lungs clean, they instead are making my stomach turn. Just look inside a spit cup and see if you aren't nauseous too. Now if you just like having something in your mouth may I recommend......well I can think of sooo many things to fill in that space. But how about that bubble gum stuff? Big League Chewing Gum I believe its called. It tastes good, you get the same feeling, and you can pop bubbles. Plus it would make your breath smell good. Win win situation for everyone. So as frustrating as metros can be to gay men, yall are my only eye candy in this town. So set the dip aside and no one will get hurt.

Texas

So in case ya never read the little side bar, I'm a Texan. And here at UI Texas gets a really bad wrap, so I thought I would straighten some things out here. Now I'm certainly not gonna say that Texas is perfect by any means. Governer Perry pisses me off on a regular basis, but we're pretty sure he is gonna be booted out of office when his term is up. The talk is that maybe Senator Hutchinson will run against him. That would be great- a former Texas cheerleader who still looks pretty good for her age as our Governor.
Alrighty, now Texas gets bashed on a lot b/c this one guy who happens to own a ranch in Crawford is from there. Now I must say that's unfair. Now yes, he was our Governor, but if you knew anything about Texas politics you would know that the Luitenant Governor is the one with the power. So when he worked for us Bush just smiled for the camera and lived in the nice house in Austin. Plus, he is just one bad person. Every state has produced one bad person in its time. Even the cool ones like Cali and NY. With that many people there are gonna be some bad ones. So I ask in the interest of fairness that you hate the man, not the state he came from.
Now Texas is actually a pretty fun place. Everyone in my family for the past several generations has been from there, and most still live there. It often gets depicted as a backwards state, but Houston, Dallas, and San Antonio are all in the top 10 largest cities in the country these days. Plus SA is the largest minority majority city in the nation. Austin is nationally known for its live music scene and Matthew McConnahay (spelt wrong, i know) getting high and playing the bongos. And for those who enjoy shopping at Nieman Marcus...well its from Dallas. As for the whole cowboy thing. Well yes, a lot of beef does come from Texas, and much of west Texas is still ranchland. And I do in fact own a pair of real cowboy boots, but I discarded the Wranglers long ago. I only wear such things twice a year though, to the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo (the richest rodeo in the world) and this charity event my mom used to co-chair every year that benefitted the ARC. I do know how to ride a horse, but only cause I took it every summer at Camp Olympia.
There are a few things that are true about Texas. We like trucks. We in fact buy more trucks and SUVs than any other state, and as such all the auto makers make special commercials for Texas. We also control all the oil. Houston, where I am from, is pretty much the US headquarters for almost every major oil company. For a brief list: ExxonMobil, ChevronTexaco, ConocoPhilips(a new addition recently taken from Tulsa), Penzoil, Shell, and others. This means that Houston has the cheapest gas prices in the country-all the better since we all own trucks and SUVs.
Now of course I must address the death penalty and red state thing too. Yes, Texas by far executes the most people each year. But I would like to point out that California- the bastion of liberal thinking- is actually the state with the most people on death row. They just dont execute people very often. Which to me seems to defeat the point. Why not just give them life if you have no intention of carrying out the threat? Also people often point out that Texas executes the mentally retarded. I must set this one straight. Most people in Texas are against this. The legislature in fact passed legislation to put a stop to it, but the crazy Governor Perry(soon to ex hopefully) vetoed it. So blame him. Hopefully that will be rectified when Kay Bailey takes over. And as for the red state...well so is Iowa. And fully 1/3 of the state of Texas voted for Kerry. So please stop assuming Im a republican just b/c Im from Texas (that happened a lot when I first moved here).
Texans can be a bit prickly when you insult their state. It has a rich and very unique history, and is still the only state that was once its own country-as far as I know. We are proud of Texas independence from Mexico, and for that girl from Tennessee-NO! Texas was NEVER part of Louisiana. Please. And random side note- ever been to a Six Flags theme park? Well thats referring to the Six Flags of Texas.
There is much more I could I say, but I don't want this to be the longest blog yet. Ive resolved to start shortening my posts. So with all this in mind I ask that the Texas bashing be kept to a minimum. Especially if you've never lived there or even been there.

Gay Marriage

Yes, as you can see I thought I would dip my toe into the pool of gay marriage. As anyone who owns a tv knows, this has lately become a big issue. The Republicans use it to mobilize the "moral majority" and the Democrats tend to run screaming from it. It's a hot issue that's been around for a long time, but was never at the forefront until the Supreme Court decision in Lawrence v. Texas which overturned anti-sodomy laws. After all, if you can't have sex, how can you have a marriage? But now thankfully all those acts of fornication I have enjoyed so are legit and I need not worry about getting hauled off to jail where similar acts of fornication have been going on for years. (Im all in favor of distributing condoms and lube in prisons)
Now worry not, I decided long ago that this will not be a political blog, so I shall not critique either sides arguments as to the gay marriage debate, except to say that I would like to marry the man I love someday (whoever he may turn out to be), and I think even lesbians should be able to do so too. But instead of arguing about it, I thought I would give you a primer of how gay marriage stands in the world. If anyone spots any errors let me know, but this is the data I have thus far.
Now as with almost every social issue-slavery, civil rights, contraception, birth control, etc.- Europe is way ahead on this issue. The first country to legalize full gay marriage was The Netherlands. I mean it is a country that legalizes marijuana and prostituion (issues I will reserve my judgment on), so when gay marriage became legal there, it was no big deal to most of their citizens. Soon after came Belgium, and as of today I believe those are the only two countries with full marriage. Of course with Vermont we have all no doubt heard of civil unions. These are much more widespread. These exist in Denmark, France, Germany, Sweden, Norway, Iceland, and New Zealand. Now they aren't all created equal. The Scandanavian countries' version is the same as marriage but with a different name. The others grant many right, but often not quite as much as a typical marriage. And then there is Portugal which has an odd form of common law marriage that applies to same sex couples and grants them limited rights.
In addition to countries there are many cities that offer some benefits as well, similar to the domestic partner laws in places like West Hollywood. Now you may be surprised but Buenos Aires, Geneva, and Zurich all fall here, each giving varying rights.
In the United States of course Vermont has civil unions and Massachusets has full gay marriage for now. However, in Massachusets the marriages are only open to residents and thanks to DOMA (the defense of marriage act), no other state currently has to recognize them. Of course the fight goes on, and just this past month a lower New York court said that under the state constitution of New York the state could not deprive same sex couples of marriages. We shall see how this plays out on appeal.
In other countries there are efforts as well. In Canada, the courts have legalized marriage in 11 of the 12 territories, with Alberta being the one holdout. However, the Prime Minister and his cabinet have all gotten behing full gay marriage and have drafted legislation legalizing it. Back in December they submitted it to the country's Supreme Court who reviewed it and said that it would pass any constitutional tests (they are allowed to issue advisory opinions there). So gay marriage should be coming there fairly soon.
Spain is also proposing legalizing gay marriage. After the Madrid bombing a more socialist government gained power which has signed on to gay marriage. Like in Canada the Prime Minister and his cabinet have approved the idea, and surprisingly-to me anyways- a majority of the country supports the proposal despite the Catholic church being against it. Im not sure when a proposal is supposed to be put before their Parliament, but if done it is expected to win approval.
Great Britain, who you may have noticed missing from all the above lists is toying with the idea of civil unions. With the war in Iraq this is of course not on the front burner, especially since it doesnt galvanize people the way it does in the US. Chile as well has considered proposals on gay marriage-and if one ever was passed there it would be a windfall as the first Latin American country (an area that is very Catholic and thus often seen as anti gay marriage). There is also currently a fight in South Africa to have gay marriage legalized. When aparteid was ended and the new constitution written, rights were guaranteed to same sex folk, so there is a fight that marriage cannot be denied under their constitution.
So I think this is the state of things in the world. I'm afraid I may have gotten something wrong, so if you notice any errors let me know so I can edit them. Enjoy!

The Gay Scene in IC

Now I've tried to generally keep my posts fun and upbeat, but alas this is a topic I must cover. Now before I begin I wanna say that the gays at the law school are not covered by this. They are a totally different breed, since almost none of us are even from Iowa. And in all the times Ive gone out in IC and CR, I have never run into any of them. Its very odd I must say.
But now about the gay scene in IC. IC is a dream come true for my friend Chris. You see, he likes little boys. Now before you have a heart attack and think Michael Jackson, no I'm not talking about ACTUAL kids. I'm talking about those 18 and 19 year olds who look 14. They weigh about 80 pounds, and you just wish they would eat something. There are ALOT of those in IC. Which for Chris is good, but for me...very very bad. Now for those who have figured out who the OMD is, you've prolly guessed that since he is a hot, muscular, former college football player, that that is my type. And you would be so correct. The football player part is a bonus, not a necessity, but damn is it a hot bonus.
So a great big chunk of the guys in this part of Iowa fall into that kiddie category-what are typically called twinks. Now I know in the straight world the word "twink" often refers to people who are twins or whose clothes match, but throw that out the window. In the gay world a twink is the above mentioned 80 pound kid lookalike, who often has way too much attitude and wears polos with the collar flipped up and those sweatbands on their arms. Take note all you wannabe metros out there who dress the same-it aint cute. Now I know gay men are supposed to lead the fashion trends, but sometimes even some of us get it wrong. Very very wrong.
Now of course every gay man in Iowa isnt 18 years old. The other major group is the older one...usually in their 40s and up. I know a couple of them, but for the most part they dont go out to bars and clubs. They are more the dinner party group, and they have their own circle of friends. As such you could live here for years and never meet one simply b/c you have to be friends with one before you would ever meet others.
The weird part about Iowa is that there is no one in between. You can find those up to 21 who are college students, and those in their 40s and up...and almost no one in between. It seems they leave. Which I can totally understand. Iowa isn't the greatest state to meet great gay men. So once the guys graduate they move to Chicago or other cities. For ya see...we gay men, we are just city folk for the most part. But this drain of guys in their late 20s, earlier 30s...also bad for me. Thats my target demographic. So alas, Ive been here 9ish months and been on one date. Cause the gay guys are either 80 pounds or a little bit outside my age range. Where is gym bunny when ya need one? They all seem to be straight in this town. So I better not here one more girl say all the hot guys are gay. Cause thats so a lie in IC. They might be metros, but they arent gay. Now if you know otherwise feel free to give my # to any guy who fits my criteria. I could use a pimp these days.

Dog Show

No, despite what the title looks like, this post has nothing to do with a wonderful SNL sketch involving Mr. Bojangles and Rocky Balboa. This is about the real thing. In case you haven't been around me the past couple of days, tonight and last night was The Westminster Dog Show, arguably the largest and most prestigious of its kind in this country. I mean it does take place at Madison Square Gardens. So hundreds of dog owners and dog lovers converged upon the Garden to make the first ever sold out crowd for the Show.
In case you know nothing of dog shows, I will give you the kindergarten version. The AKC- American Kennel Club - is the daddy of pure breed dog organizations in this country. They decide what makes a pure breed and split them into 7 groups: the working, herding, sporting, non-sporting, terrier, toy, and hound groups. Im not gonna go into each breed in each group or this post would be even longer than my others (which Im told can be lengthy). At a dog show they choose the best of each breed which then competes against the best of the other breeds in its group. A judge then selects a dog from each group to move on to the Best In Show competition where 7 of the best dogs (one from each group if you are keeping up) compete for the title of Best In Show, or in the case of Westminster, the title "America's Dog".
Well Im gonna start by saying that the Great Pyrennes got ROBBED! Now I have a love for the Japanese breeds (Akita and Shiba Inu), but they are too fun to win their groups normally. But tonight the German Shorthaired Pointer won best in show. Over the beautiful Great Pyrennes, and the ever so wonderful Border Collie. Obvioully the woman judging was just an idiot. But I will go on, knowing that the Shiba is the greatest dog (ahem, and i would love to own one) and that the Great Pyrennes should have won Best In Show. Damn New Yorkers, cant trust them to judge anything.
On a closing note, I have recently learned that watching the dog shows on tv is apparently not a normal thing. I mean my parents, and my sister and her husband, and myself all watch it every year, along with the National Dog Show. I guess I just thought it was normal. Until I got funny looks from everyone when I mentioned it. When they realized I wasn't joking the looks usually broke down into laughter. I guess Im just a dog lover (and a cat hater, damn devil creatures). So until next time, be good to your dogs, they will help you live longer.

Lesbians

So as one of the two resident gay guys in the first year class at Iowa Law, I thought I should share some of my great gay knowledge of the world with those who live the heterosexual life. I have learned that there is much I take for granted that the straights simply dont know about gays. So Ive decided to devote this entry to lesbians-or as I like to call them "The Home Depot frequent buyer's club".
Now I have friends who are lesbians so as a random disclaimer you know I still like you. As its not possible to cover every single lesbians in this little space, I am unfortunantly (for the lesbians anyways) gonna have to resort to gross generalizations.
Alright, let's get started. First, if you've ever noticed, lesbians apparently aren't gay. This is something that has long confused me, but in any organization for gay rights, its always GLBT. So one would presume since lesbians got broken out that the gay refers only to men. And yet its gay pride. And technically lesbians are actually gay, but for some reason they had to come up with their own name. They weren't satisfied with gay, which if you think about it prolly was simply too happy, joyful, and well GAY to describe a lesbian.
Now I use this odd semantics fact to point out that lesbians and gay men dont really get along. In small towns and cities like Iowa City, sure we comingle, but there is only one gay bar so what choice do we have? But look around at that bar and you will notice the lesbians in one corner and the gay men everywhere else. In Houston, the wonderful city where I am from, the lesbians have a completely seperate club, at which men, though not refused entry, will be given many an evil eye and it will be clear they are not welcome. Which is why I dont get why straight men have lesbian fantasies. They need to realize if the girl is a dyke, she dont like men. So she isnt gonna let you watch. In truth straight men like bisexual women, of which there are many (arent they all?).
Now here a brief warning. I just used the word dyke. It is a rather fun word, and even some lesbians use it, but a straight man should at all costs NEVER utter the word. Cause from him it sounds like an insult. Just a tip there, cause beware...the lesbian can prolly kick your ass. I mean they do singlehandedly keep stores like Lowe's, The Home Depot, and Harley Davidson in business. If you ever wanna know how to tile a bathroom or add a porch onto your house, forget Bob Vila, you need to find a lesbian. Not to say that there aren't feminine lesbians. They are called lipstick lesbians- I assume b/c unlike the rest they wear makeup. But they are rare. And they almost always have a dyke as a boyfriend. I have only once seen a pair of lipstick lesbians. If you get that chance take a photo, it may be worth money that event is so rare.
Now Ive long pondered the topic of lesbians (if you cant tell) and Ive come to a few conclusions and still have some questions. I have decided that gay men and lesbians should get together, cause we could create some kick ass houses. Imagine a gay architecht designs it, the lesbians build it, and then a gay man decorates it. I mean what could be better? I also get however why we dont get along. What do men who like to shop at Banana Republic have in common with women who wear flannel? I mean gay men enjoy planning weddings and decorating and buying expensive things. Lesbians like monster truck rallies and tractor pulls. So there is a great divide that we must bridge, but I know in the interest of well built, well decorated homes we can come together. But the big question I still have looming is...what makes a lesbian attractive? For gay men there is an almost universal attractiveness to men who are muscular and have 6 packs. Now guys are of course attracted to way more than that, or else bears and twinks would all be celebate, but almost all can agree that A&F models for instance are hot. But lesbians dont seem to have such a universal. Some like female models, some dont. Its very tricky. So if you can answer me that one, I would be in your debt. So I will leave you with that question, as I have decided to spare you the confusion that is lesbian porn. Hope you have been enlightened.

The Very First

So this is my first post to my first blog, so I can't guarantee that you're gonna enjoy it. But I thought I would start out by explaining the title of the blog. So if you've ever met me more than once, you've probably heard me ask some form of the statement at the top of the page. I am notoriously bad at remembering names. Cant explain why, must have something to do with my mother and my childhood I'm sure, but who knows. I mean, my freshman year of college it took me a week to figure out what my roommate's name was. They had made these rather lovely signs out of construction paper- an item I hadn't seen since those wonderful elementary school projects- that had our names on them and the little Olympic logo(each floor was supposed to have a theme. You woulda thought a gay guy coulda come up with something better than that). Well of course my new roommate took his off. BIG mistake. Cause I had nothing to call him. Now the fact that he was an exchange student from Ecuador might have had something to do with it, but I doubt I woulda remember even if his name was John.

Now, in an effort to be able to refer to people even when I cant remember their names, I have long had the habit of assigning people nicknames. These can be based on their appearance or something they do or on rare occasions even based upon the white hot lust I feel for them (Daddy is taken by one cute law professor so dont bother asking for that one). So you can imagine, with me coming to Iowa Law and knowing absolutely no one, that the nicknames just started to flow. Now no one in my small section was graced with one because I tried my hardest to learn their names. But oh so many others who I didnt meet but had reason to discuss instantly got their own handles. So I have compiled a list of all those I have devised so far. Now a couple are not my creations, but I use them, so I have noted it next to them so that someone else can have credit for them. Also, a couple people have developed more than one for some reason or another. You will notice, however, there the real names aren't next to them. That's so you can play a game and see if you know who they are, and cause it's not my goal in life to have a mob of angry law students hunt me down. But anyways, if you are offended Im sorry, come introduce yourself to me and talk to me more often and your nickname might go away. Well maybe.

So here they are...the fabulous Iowa Law nicknames:

OMD - I'll give ya a hint. I wanna strip his clothes off and have hot sweaty monkey sex with him. grr
The Frog (I love it, but alas not mine)
Madonna
Richard Gere/Surfer
Gay Sunglasses/Seriel Killer (I can only take credit for the first one)
Blonde Bitch - dont get me started
Daddy
American Pie dad (of no relation to Daddy)
Evil Old Woman
Deaf English teacher
The Knome Prostitute (this is my official unveiling of this one. try to guess who)
High Maintenance Girl ( also not mine)

So thats all that has been created for now. But the list is always subject to expansion, especially now that I have a class with the summer starters. Now most of these are women, but thats because I always remember a hot guy's name. Sorry ladies. Anyhow, thats enough for now. Next up I will have to compile my list of hot guys. Happy Birthday Barrett