Lesbians
So as one of the two resident gay guys in the first year class at Iowa Law, I thought I should share some of my great gay knowledge of the world with those who live the heterosexual life. I have learned that there is much I take for granted that the straights simply dont know about gays. So Ive decided to devote this entry to lesbians-or as I like to call them "The Home Depot frequent buyer's club".
Now I have friends who are lesbians so as a random disclaimer you know I still like you. As its not possible to cover every single lesbians in this little space, I am unfortunantly (for the lesbians anyways) gonna have to resort to gross generalizations.
Alright, let's get started. First, if you've ever noticed, lesbians apparently aren't gay. This is something that has long confused me, but in any organization for gay rights, its always GLBT. So one would presume since lesbians got broken out that the gay refers only to men. And yet its gay pride. And technically lesbians are actually gay, but for some reason they had to come up with their own name. They weren't satisfied with gay, which if you think about it prolly was simply too happy, joyful, and well GAY to describe a lesbian.
Now I use this odd semantics fact to point out that lesbians and gay men dont really get along. In small towns and cities like Iowa City, sure we comingle, but there is only one gay bar so what choice do we have? But look around at that bar and you will notice the lesbians in one corner and the gay men everywhere else. In Houston, the wonderful city where I am from, the lesbians have a completely seperate club, at which men, though not refused entry, will be given many an evil eye and it will be clear they are not welcome. Which is why I dont get why straight men have lesbian fantasies. They need to realize if the girl is a dyke, she dont like men. So she isnt gonna let you watch. In truth straight men like bisexual women, of which there are many (arent they all?).
Now here a brief warning. I just used the word dyke. It is a rather fun word, and even some lesbians use it, but a straight man should at all costs NEVER utter the word. Cause from him it sounds like an insult. Just a tip there, cause beware...the lesbian can prolly kick your ass. I mean they do singlehandedly keep stores like Lowe's, The Home Depot, and Harley Davidson in business. If you ever wanna know how to tile a bathroom or add a porch onto your house, forget Bob Vila, you need to find a lesbian. Not to say that there aren't feminine lesbians. They are called lipstick lesbians- I assume b/c unlike the rest they wear makeup. But they are rare. And they almost always have a dyke as a boyfriend. I have only once seen a pair of lipstick lesbians. If you get that chance take a photo, it may be worth money that event is so rare.
Now Ive long pondered the topic of lesbians (if you cant tell) and Ive come to a few conclusions and still have some questions. I have decided that gay men and lesbians should get together, cause we could create some kick ass houses. Imagine a gay architecht designs it, the lesbians build it, and then a gay man decorates it. I mean what could be better? I also get however why we dont get along. What do men who like to shop at Banana Republic have in common with women who wear flannel? I mean gay men enjoy planning weddings and decorating and buying expensive things. Lesbians like monster truck rallies and tractor pulls. So there is a great divide that we must bridge, but I know in the interest of well built, well decorated homes we can come together. But the big question I still have looming is...what makes a lesbian attractive? For gay men there is an almost universal attractiveness to men who are muscular and have 6 packs. Now guys are of course attracted to way more than that, or else bears and twinks would all be celebate, but almost all can agree that A&F models for instance are hot. But lesbians dont seem to have such a universal. Some like female models, some dont. Its very tricky. So if you can answer me that one, I would be in your debt. So I will leave you with that question, as I have decided to spare you the confusion that is lesbian porn. Hope you have been enlightened.
posted by Scott @ 12:39 AM
3 Comments:
Hey! My old roommate Sara Strain forwarded me your blog. I have a few comments: 1. It's "dyke." Shame on you, gay man, for not knowing how to spell it! ;) 2. There are plenty of feminine lesbians out there. You need to fine tune your gaydar. 3. I am a card-carrying member of the Home Depot frequent buyers club AND I'm pretty femme. Wrap your head around that one. 4. There are plenty of lesbians out there who are completely useless when it comes to home improvement. And there are plenty of straight girls who are quite handy. Reference: Sara Strain. 5. I think I decorate pretty nicely, thank you very much. Ask Sara. And 6. The reason that lesbians don't universally like a "type" is that, frankly, women are SO much better than men. Women are an incredibly diverse, complex species who require much more than a hot bod in order to be attracted to others.
Cheers!
So this blog was meant for my friends, and as any of my lesbian friends will tell you (as well as the straight ones) its meant to be funny. I am not a politician or world leader, just a regular guy making fun of a stereotype. If you couldnt see that, from now on remember when you read something typed you know nothing of what spirit it was written in.
Being a straight man living in what is (was) a lesbian neighborhood I have seen and learned many things.
But first, to address "what lesbians like" I would have to say that it’s just like anyone else. There are men who like women with big asses, men who like Barbie doll types, and men who like the natural type, Puerto Ricans, leather chicks etc..
The same goes for lesbians. The difference is, that lesbians have a lot less to choose from, so it would appear, they just take what they can get. There are a lot more gay men out there than there are lesbians so there is a lot less to chose from for the lesbians.
The only shot they have of going outside that small lesbian community in their city is to recruit some liberal, hippie college chic that got drunk at a party, made out with one of her friends and is now bi-curious.
It seems that the butch's stay with the butch's and the more normal looking girls (or the non butch softball crowd)stick to their own kind and the lipstick lesbians, a rare commodity, will usually stick with each other or end up with the non butch softball crowd, and also tend to be bisexual.
As far as what kind of porn they like, I would assume it's as different as everyone else; some don’t like it, some like skinamax late night, some like Larry Flint lesbians and some like butch on butch.
The other thing I would have to add which may sound mean, but this is to debunk any myth straight guys have, real lesbians aren't hot! And if they are, they can get any chick they won’t, and would never get with your fat white ass!
That is something my girlfriend constantly reminds me of when we do see a hot lesbian couple, which only happens once a year.
There is a reason they don't like guys, guys don't like them.
Again this does not apply to all of them, it’s just an observation, and as for the ones I know and hang out with, they are clearly exceptions, I wish I could say the same for their girlfriends.
PS I have never felt uncomfortable at a lesbian bar, unlike being at a "gay" bar where you get hit on every five minutes and have to look at pictures of naked fireman in the bathroom.
Maybe that’s just because I dress more like a lesbian than a gay man.
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